The psychology of relationships:
Discounting
Discounting
is an internal process during which we, out of conscious awareness, ignore
information relevant to the solution of a problem. A discount always
entails some distortion of reality, which confirms our
script
beliefs. Discounting is a form of putting oneself, another person, or
the world in general down.
Put
another way, discounts help us to maintain the status quo rather than
change. It's generally a rather unhelpful thing to do, but sticking to
what we know and what we normally do helps us to feel safe. Unfortunately,
this is often at the expense of a richer life.
A good
example comes from the fable of the fox and the grapes. In the story a fox
would very much like to eat some grapes, but they are too high up on a
vine and he can't reach them easily. In the end he gives up and says to
himself "Well, they are sour anyway, I don't want them". The fox firstly
discounts the grapes as "not good" or put in slang "they're crap
anyway".
Secondly, he discounts his desire for them, and thirdly he discounts his
own ability to act on his desire and do something to reach the grapes
despite the difficulties he is having. (He could come up with some clever
ideas, as foxes usually do in such stories!)
We
often unconsciously discount ourselves when we say "I can't do
this". What
are we actually saying about our own abilities to solve problems and
change? Often when we can do things, we might choose not to, or we may need
some help, or we may need to learn more, or we may need to try a couple of times. In reality
we often can do things, even though it might not be straightforward. In
saying "I can't do this" we are discounting our own abilities and we
ignore the fact that there are always other solutions or options to deal
with a
problem than just the obvious ones. However, I also think that one can take this
a bit too far. Sometimes people can't do things (like feel safe), because
they have never been shown how to.
When we
discount we do so by making a statement in our heads. It is an internal
process, and so a discount itself is not observable. However, other people will be
able to observe manifestations of a discount which you make. Some behavioral signs are
doing nothing or passivity in response to a problem, over-adaptation,
agitation or incapacitating oneself in some way (e.g. getting ill).
Grandiosity is also part of discounting. Every discount is accompanied by
grandiosity, which is an exaggeration or minimization of some feature of
reality (e.g. making a mountain out of a molehill or vice versa).
People
can discount on 4 different levels. They are ranked in severity from
denying or discounting the existence of an issue to discounting one's
personal options to do something about a problem:
1 Discounting
the existence of a problem. Example: I was not drinking last night, or:
I am not an alcoholic.
2
Discounting the significance of an event or problem. Example: Well,
yes I was drinking last night, but it doesn't do me any harm.
3 Discounting
the possibilities for change. Example: Yes, I am an alcoholic, but I
was born that way.
4 Discounting
one's personal ability to change: Yes, I am an alcoholic, it's killing
me and I know other people manage to stop, but I can't.
As you
may have concluded, discounting can be quite a nasty habit and the best thing
to do is to confront it in oneself and other people. It is especially
damaging in a relationship if one partner uses discounting to avoid
changing or taking responsibility. In that case, don't allow the hidden
agenda of "I can't" and collude in it, when actually the person should be
saying "I won't".
Discounting
is also a possible start for a psychological game.
Remember not to discount your own ability to change and take control (go
into Victim mode) or the other person's ability to do the same (Rescuer
or Persecutor mode).
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