Making relationships
work: Controlling your anxiety
Why is managing anxiety
important for your relationship?
Managing one's own anxiety
is a key task to being a successful adult.
Life is full of uncertainties, a fact we
have to accept and live with. To be able
to relax, enjoy life and take appropriate
risks, it is essential that people are able
to tolerate and regulate their own anxiety
and fear. Regulating one's anxiety
levels is a skill humans learn in childhood
through developing a secure attachment.
However, not all of us are fortunate to
learn this skill or learn it well enough
when we are children.
Managing one's own anxiety
is an essential task for your relationship.
Loving somebody entails taking big risks,
trusting someone else, investing in him or
her, and letting him or her make their own
choices. This often brings up a lot of
anxiety and fear for people. It is important
that we take responsibility for our own
anxiety and learn to manage it, rather than
ask our partners to 'make it better' for us,
for example by asking for constant
reassurance or by trying to control them.
How to manage anxiety
Just to stress the point
again: Managing one's anxiety is a key task
of being an adult human being and taking
responsibility for oneself. It is also a
difficult task and will take effort and
practice.
First of all, anxiety
will always be part of our lives and we need
to develop a certain level of tolerance to
feeling anxious. It is not possible to
live life without anxiety. As self-aware
beings, who can think about many possible
futures and we can always make up scenarios
about which we can worry. Also, we need to
take appropriate risks in our lives. If we
could keep ourselves as safe as possible we
would never leave our houses nor live a
fulfilling life.
Anxiety is part of our
bodies, a natural response, which alerts us
to potential danger. Just like physical pain
it is uncomfortable, but really necessary to
guide us in life. It is OK and natural to
feel anxious some of the time. Part of
managing anxiety successfully is to accept
that it will be part of your life. For
example, some of the time we may worry about
our partner leaving us. This is part of the
price we pay for attaching and loving the
other in the first place. Accepting a
certain level of anxiety means we don't let
it stop us living life or investing in
someone. Also, accepting it means we don't
make things worse by ruminating too much
about why we are anxious, or criticizing
ourselves for feeling that way.
However, anxiety can grow
into fear, or even panic. In that case it
can be one of the most stressful and
uncomfortable experiences we can have. If
anxiety goes beyond levels we can accept and
tolerate we need to actively manage and
regulate it:
Thinking
Anxiety can greatly
influence our thinking in a way that isn't
rational. We may easily go into
catastrophizing, i.e. imagining the worst
possible nightmare to become true. However,
this is your imagination going wild and
often has no basis in real life.
Managing your anxiety on
a thinking level involves looking at all the
evidence rationally. Is there any real
reason for you to be anxious? For example,
do you have any real evidence that your
partner doesn't love you anymore? Would this
evidence sound rational and substantial to
your best friend or a colleague at work?
It helps to check out our 'evidence' with
others to see whether we have blown things
out of proportion or not. In terms of
transactional analysis theory, we would say
we need to make an assessment about your
fears from the Adult ego
state. Or, in other words: from a
rational perspective based on your
abilities and knowledge as an adult today,
is there anything to be anxious about? If
yes, is there anything practical you can do
about the situation?
For example, you may worry
about getting cancer because you are
smoking. There is plenty of evidence that
there is a link between smoking and cancer
and it's reasonable to get worried about it.
The next step then is: will you do something
about it? You could stop smoking, take up
exercise and eat a healthy diet. In this
case your fears are appropriate and can help
you to make a change for the better in your
life.
However, say you are still
anxious about getting cancer even after
stopping smoking and living a healthier life
style? In this case, ask yourself again: is there
anything else that you can do practically to
improve the situation? It is possible
that the answer is "no". You cannot undo the
fact that you did smoke in the past, or that
people get cancer, whether they have smoked
or not. In this case one has to accept
that life involves risks. We cannot
change those existential facts and need to
make our peace with them. We need to
manage the residual anxiety, as we cannot
change anything about how things are.
At this point you may
know in your thinking that you cannot do
anything else to minimize risks or
uncertainties, but you are still feeling
anxious. Anxiety is often irrational.
Therefore, it also needs to be addressed on
an emotional and physical level. However, it
is important that you hold on to the fact
that your anxiety is irrational and that you
have thought in depth about the
practicalities behind it and come to a well
thought through conclusion. Don't let the
remaining irrational fears seduce you into
going over the practical evidence again and
again. Hold on to your rational conclusions
and move on to managing your anxiety on an
emotional and physical level.
Feeling
Apart from influencing our
thinking, anxiety is also an emotional and
physical process. On an emotional level we
experience ourselves as scared, panicky or
terrified when we feel anxious. Within the
transactional analysis model we locate
irrational fears in the child ego
state. Another way of looking at
irrational fears is that they are a memory
of how scared we were as children, which we
experience in response to hear and now
situations as if the fear is about today.
Any anxiety or fear which seems out of
proportion to today's events or which is
irrational and out of context will most
likely be about the past rather than the
present.
Anxiety
is often left over from childhood as it has
a lot to do with attachment. Building up a
secure attachment with your main caregiver
as a baby results in feelings of safety,
trust in the world, and trust in oneself. However, if we do not
feel securely attached, or our caregivers
are at some point absent, depressed, or
anxious and stressed themselves, we do not
get enough help with managing early
anxieties about being in the world. We then
need to practice this skill as adults to
learn to manage anxiety better.
Anxiety which is left
over from the past may be experienced
extremely powerfully in the present.
This is because as children we do not yet
have the emotional or physical ability to
regulate anxiety successfully. It is as if
our brains and minds are not yet ready to
manage anxiety and we need an adult to
support us with this process. The child will
experience anxiety as all-consuming or
unbearable due to the lack of physical and
emotional maturity to be able to regulate
it. If we re-experience the same anxiety
today as adults, we also tend to experience
the level of anxiety as all-consuming or
unbearable, although we now have the
potential to regulate the anxiety and
certainly will survive feeling it.
To regulate anxiety on an
emotional level we need to support ourselves
in the same way a good and available adult
would have done in the past. We need to
soothe ourselves by being kind to ourselves,
maybe using positive statements about
ourselves,
and telling ourselves that we will be OK and
that we have done all the practical steps we
could take to solve the situation.
Therefore, we need to reassure ourselves,
accept that the anxiety will be there, and
not panic about it. If we panic about
anxiety, we get even more anxious as we
build up anticipatory anxiety: we get
anxious about being anxious. This can become
a vicious cycle. At this point simply accept
the anxiety that you're feeling right now
and keep your thoughts in the present rather
than letting your mind drift to dwell on all
sorts of possibilities in the future. Keep
reminding yourself that it is normal and
natural to feel anxious. If you have
checked out your thinking, you can
reassure yourself that your anxiety will be
about the past not the present and that the
present situation is safe, or as safe as can
be given life's uncertainties. Beyond that
there is no point worrying as "whatever will be,
will be".
Keep reminding yourself
that you are safe here and now, despite
feeling anxiety from the past. You did
survive your past experiences and you can
now learn to settle and regulate your
anxiety efficiently. Also, because the fear
will be about the past, there will only be
so much left for you to experience. It is as
if what is left over from the past is only a
limited amount. Experiencing it, talking
about it, making sense of it and integrating
it will mean at some point it will all be
gone. Look forward to that point!
It may help you to keep
doing practical tasks such as house work or
to do exercise. Make sure you get time to
switch off by reading a good novel or
watching a film. It is OK to distract
yourself for a while. You can also write in
a journal or talk to friends about what you
are experiencing. Try to avoid drinking
coffee or other caffeinated drinks and
eating sugary foods. Good nutrition will
keep your blood sugar levels steady and help
you to feel balanced.
The
Body
Anxiety is probably the most
primitive emotion we experience. In
evolutionary terms, it belongs to older
parts of the brain than our other emotions,
as it is concerned with pure survival. Fear
and anxiety put our bodies on alert and in
extreme cases we go into the fight, flight
or freeze mode.
It is important to
acknowledge the physiological aspect of
anxiety. Even with the most rational
thinking and self reassurance techniques we
may not able to stop the physical aspects of
anxiety: the rapid heart beat, rapid
breathing, muscular tension, physical
responses of bowel and bladder, and a general state of stress or
alarm. To control the physical symptoms
of anxiety we need to put in place physical
exercises.
Firstly, a bit more
information about the body and our nervous
system. The nervous system, which helps us
to operate our bodies from the neck
downwards, can be divided into two parts, the
voluntary motor system and the
autonomous nervous system. The voluntary
system is under the control of our will and
means we can move muscles, for example as we
lift our arms. The autonomous nervous
systems is beyond the control of our will.
It functions automatically in our bodies and
keeps everything working. It regulates
digestion, blood pressure, heart rate, the
immune system and so forth.
The autonomous nervous
system can be divided into two parts, the
sympathetic and the parasympathetic.
They function antagonistically, this means
it is an either-or system. If one mode is
switched on, the other is necessarily
switched off and vice versa. It is as if
your body has two main modes to operate in:
The sympathetic is the 'on' switch, and
the parasympathetic resembles an 'off'
mode.
When our bodies are in the
sympathetic mode they are switched on
to work. Our heart rate is higher, our
breathing is faster, the blood gets routed
to the muscles and away from our digestive
system. Adrenaline and stress hormones go
round our system to keep us on alert,
whereas our immune and repair systems are
turned down. This means our body is active.
We may be exercising, playing, having sex or
doing things at work. Additionally, this
is the mode your body is in when you are
anxious or stressed. In extreme
circumstances we are on full alert, meaning
our bodies are set up for the fight or
flight response. We experience this
physiological state as stress, anxiety or
panic (or, if it has an enjoyable context, as
excitement). Our bodies show the signs we
associate with stress and anxiety: fast
heart beat, fast breathing, high blood
pressure, adrenaline, and possibly
restlessness and agitation.
On the other hand, if our
bodies are in the parasympathetic mode
we are in the rest mode. Our heart rate is
slow and comfortable, our breathing is deep
and slow, our blood pressure is low. Our
bloods gets re-routed to the digestive
system and internal organs and our immune
system gets more active. The body digests
and repairs itself. This is the mode our
bodies are in when we feel relaxed and calm,
the opposite of anxious.
Managing anxiety needs to
involve all three systems: thinking,
emotions and the body. If your thinking is
rational and you are emotionally reassuring
yourself, however, your body is in the alert
mode or the sympathetic, you will still
feel anxious and agitated!
Fortunately, there is a
way of switching from one body mode to the
other, which is under our voluntary control:
our breathing. We can take
conscious control over our breathing and
breath slowly and deeply. This is the switch
our bodies need to switch from an 'on' mode
to 'off'. Concentrating on breathing
slowly and deeply for 5-10 minutes whilst
relaxing your body will mean the physical
anxiety response will subside. This does
take some time as your body needs to
readjust your heart rate and adrenaline
levels. However, if you keep focusing on
your breathing your body will switch off!
When you do this, make sure your thinking
stays focused on the reality around you,
here and now, which is safe. If you let your
mind wander to all sorts of scary
possibilities in the future your body will
not get a chance to switch off.
Many different ancient and
modern techniques are based on this
principle. Any physical excises, which
have a focus on relaxation and breathing
will help you with this task, such as
meditation, Yoga, Tai Chi or Autogenic Training. These techniques will work best when
used regularly. Their usefulness and
effectiveness will improve over time with
practice.
If you are struggling to
regulate your anxiety, please invest in one
of those techniques. They are invaluable
tools for your life. It is worthwhile to
practice and practice them as they will
improve the quality of your life and your
relationship tremendously!
Hopefully, by applying all
three strategies and by generally looking
after yourself you will be able to learn to
regulate your anxiety fairly quickly. If you
are experiencing ongoing problems, please
consult a medical doctor or a
psychotherapist. Medications against anxiety
are available. You could also enquire with a
psychotherapist into the causes of your
anxiety and support your efforts at self
regulation that way. However, practicing the
above steps, especially the physical
component of regulating your body's level of
alertness, is key in my experience.
As they say in Star Trek, the only true
enemy is your own fear. Don't let it rule
your life or your relationship, but face it
today so you will experience more peace and
calmness in the future.
Written by Anna, 13.07.07
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