Welcome to
the part of this site all about
relationships!
The psychology of
relationships
The idea of this part of our
web site is to function like a self-help guide to some basic psychological
models which can help you make sense of yourself and your partner.
It sometimes seems hard to
understand your own underlying psychological agenda and it gets even
harder if your psychological agenda starts interacting with your
partner's. Not only do you have to manage
your own vulnerabilities and defense mechanisms, but you can be sure that
in a long term relationship you will trigger each other's "monsters" at
some point in a quite spectacular fashion. In fact, you can rely on
it.
The models that follow are
intended as a road map for a person's internal processes.
Don't forget that they are
just models and they can't describe everything, so sometimes they don't
fit and may not be adequate to describe what's going on.
Rather than trying to fit
your psychological insides into them and thinking, "God this doesn't fit,
I must be really screwed up!" feel free to make up your own theories and
test them by talking to other people such as your partner about them.
If something makes sense to them too, it
probably describes one aspect of you or your
reality in a generally adequate way. But if
you find you can't make head nor tail of
what's going on for you, think about finding
a therapist who can help you with this
stuff.
If you want to examine some
dating tips for men in our The Tao Of Badass review,
check out this page of the site. Overview:
1
Hunger for relationship: What is it all about?
2
Ego state
model: A way to describe our psychological insides.
3
Relational
needs: What are you want from each other.
4
Script:
Getting a handle on a life's worth of patterns.
5
Symbiosis:
One not so good way of being in relationship.
6
Games: An even
worse way of being in relationship.
7
Time
structuring: How the two of you spend time together and what the other
options might be.
8
Strokes: How to
get the feel good factor going.
9
Discounts:
What
not to do.
10
Life
positions: Once you're on the right side, life looks a lot
better.
The models are mostly
taken from Transactional Analysis theory (or TA), which is one of the
humanistic branches of psychotherapy. You will be able to find more on
this models in other books or web sites on transactional analysis. If you
want to read more on TA or psychology, have a look at the following
books:
Vann Joines, Ian Stewart
(1987) TA Today, Lifespace Publishing. This is a good introduction
to the main theories of transactional analysis. However, it describes TA
in quite mechanical terms. Even so, you may find some of the exercises
interesting or challenging.
Thomas Lewis, Fari
Amini, Richard Lannon (2000) A General Theory Of Love, Vintage
Books, New York. This is a superb book on neuropsychology, attachment and
love. If you want to know how love makes your brain sing, this is the one
to read. Enjoy!
Oliver James (2003)
They F*** You Up: How to survive family life, Bloomsbury. A very
good introduction to child development and what sort of personality traits
result from what sort of parenting. Fascinating reading, especially some
of the case examples James describes.
Alice Miller (1984)
The Drama Of The Gifted Child, London, Virago Press. This is quite
an old book, which describes how children adapt to their parents out of
necessity and may become very defended and cold adults in the process.
Miller championed the cause of the child in psychoanalysis and lays down
one of the foundations for "working with your inner child."
Alexander Lowen (1995)
Joy, Penguin, Arkana. Lowen was one of the early body
psychotherapists, who were interested in how defense mechanisms get laid
down in our bodies. He describes how different personality styles restrict
their bodies in different ways to curtail impulses or emotions. This
obviously causes many problems with sexuality, so if you want to
experience sex fully, have a read. It is also a fairly old book, so some
of his language seems rather out of date by now.
Common medical conditions
which can impact on your enjoyment of life
include
acid reflux symptoms and associated
problems such as hiatal hernia. There is no
need to suffer from these as they can be
easily ameliorated with simple natural home
remedies for hiatal hernia, GERD and acid
reflux.
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