Welcome to
the part of this site all about
relationships!
The psychology of
relationships
The idea of this part of
our web site is to function like a self-help guide to some basic
psychological models which can help you make sense of yourself and your
partner. It sometimes seems hard to understand your own underlying
psychological agenda and it gets even harder if your psychological agenda
starts interacting with your partner's. Not only do you have to manage
your own vulnerabilities and defense mechanisms, but you can be sure that
in a long term relationship you will trigger each other's "monsters" at
some point in a quite spectacular fashion. In fact, you can rely on
it.
The models that follow are intended as a road map
for a person's internal processes. Don't forget that they are just models
and they can't describe everything, so sometimes they don't fit and may
not be adequate to describe what's going on. Rather than trying to fit
your psychological insides into them and thinking, "God this doesn't fit,
I must be really screwed up!" feel free to make up your own theories and
test them by talking to other people such as your partner about them. If
something makes sense to them too, it probably describes one aspect of you
or your reality in a generally adequate way. But if you find you can't
make head nor tail of what's going on for you, think about finding a
therapist who can help you with this stuff.
Overview:
1
Hunger for relationship: What is it all about?
2
Ego state
model: A way to describe our psychological insides.
3
Relational
needs: What are you want from each other.
4
Script:
Getting a handle on a life's worth of patterns.
5
Symbiosis:
One not so good way of being in relationship.
6
Games: An even
worse way of being in relationship.
7
Time
structuring: How the two of you spend time together and what the other
options might be.
8
Strokes: How to
get the feel good factor going.
9
Discounts:
What
not to do.
10
Life
positions: Once you're on the right side, life looks a lot
better.
The models are mostly
taken from Transactional Analysis theory (or TA), which is one of the
humanistic branches of psychotherapy. You will be able to find more on
this models in other books or web sites on transactional analysis. If you
want to read more on TA or psychology, have a look at the following
books:
Vann Joines, Ian Stewart
(1987) TA Today, Lifespace Publishing. This is a good introduction
to the main theories of transactional analysis. However, it describes TA
in quite mechanical terms. Even so, you may find some of the exercises
interesting or challenging.
Thomas Lewis, Fari
Amini, Richard Lannon (2000) A General Theory Of Love, Vintage
Books, New York. This is a superb book on neuropsychology, attachment and
love. If you want to know how love makes your brain sing, this is the one
to read. Enjoy!
Oliver James (2003)
They F*** You Up: How to survive family life, Bloomsbury. A very
good introduction to child development and what sort of personality traits
result from what sort of parenting. Fascinating reading, especially some
of the case examples James describes.
Alice Miller (1984)
The Drama Of The Gifted Child, London, Virago Press. This is quite
an old book, which describes how children adapt to their parents out of
necessity and may become very defended and cold adults in the process.
Miller championed the cause of the child in psychoanalysis and lays down
one of the foundations for "working with your inner child."
Alexander Lowen (1995)
Joy, Penguin, Arkana. Lowen was one of the early body
psychotherapists, who were interested in how defense mechanisms get laid
down in our bodies. He describes how different personality styles restrict
their bodies in different ways to curtail impulses or emotions. This
obviously causes many problems with
sexuality, so if you want to
experience sex fully, have a read. It is also a fairly old book, so some
of his language seems rather out of date by now.
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