The
psychology of relationships: relationship hunger
Applying the concept of "relationship hunger" to yourself
So how
does the concept of relationship hunger apply to you and your
relationship? Remember that my examples will only be pointers and they may
not fit your own experience. Feel free to adapt them as you reflect on
this material.
How
do you express your own hunger for relationship?
Firstly, it is important to remember that we are all different. People's
needs and desire for relationship will naturally vary. Some people are
very sociable or extrovert, but this doesn't automatically mean they are
up for very close one-to-one relationships. Other people are naturally
more introvert, spending more time in their own company and living more in
their imagination. The important question is whether you are comfortable
with the depth and amount of relationships you are in?
Some
people limit how much they desire relationship on the inside through an
early childhood personality pattern, which restricts how much they feel or
desire. This involves a specific physiological way of being in their body
which often manifests as tension and restricted breathing. As an adult
such a person may not be aware of their need for relationship, or aware of
it only in a limited way. Think about how many people you have in your
life. Do you feel you can truly open up to some of them? Remember that we
need more than one main relationship in our lives. After all, what are we
to do, who are we to complain to, if things get difficult with our main
person? Restricting yourself in such a way can leave a sense of deadness
or frozenness in your life and relationships. (If you want to know more
about how to open up, have a look at the personality style pages.) If you
are like this, it's a little victory each time you show more of yourself.
Experiment with stepping out of your comfort zone with people and see what
happens. Sometimes this will bring more joy and closeness and sometimes it
will go wrong and you may feel angry or rejected for a little while.
However, each time you gain more options and experience about how to
relate to the world. Go for it!
A
second way of limiting your need for relationship is to keep distracting
yourself from feeling what you truly want. Working is a good way of doing
this, as is keeping busy in other ways that don't allow people to get
close to you. Only if you feel your desire and possible lack of
relationship will you be motivated enough to go towards people. So allow
yourself to feel lonely and then do something about it! If you keep
distracting yourself nothing will change and you will keep missing out.
Give yourself some space and time to really let yourself feel how
important people are to you. If you end up feeling lonely, you can then do
something practical about it, like phoning a friend, telling your loved
ones how much they mean to you, or setting out to meet new people.
How
does relationship hunger apply to your most important relationship? Once
you are in a relationship there are two different people involved with two
different sets of personality styles and behavior patterns. For example,
you may be very open to people, but your partner may not (or the other way
round). What do you think is your partner's style of relating to people?
How much contact does he or she want and does that fit with your needs? In
relationships partners are different from each other and one of you may
need more or less contact than the other. How can you find a way of being
with each other that suits you both? For example, one of you may want to
spend some time on their own, while the other person goes out to be with
friends. And you can also plan to spend some time together.
You
might also want to reflect on how much time you really spend being close
to each other emotionally, when you are in a relationship. Intimacy can be
physical or sexual or emotional or any combination of these. Do you have
enough of each with your partner? If not, can you talk about it? Remember
that there are other people around you, so that even if your partner does
not want as much intimate emotional contact with you as you would like you
can also have close relationships with other people. You may then need to
talk with your partner about the fears he or she may have about you having
other important people in your life, and what are appropriate boundaries
for these relationships.
If you
are interested in more about all of this, read the psychology pages on
strokes and
time structuring as well!
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