The
psychology of relationships: relational needs
Relational needs and you
The
concept of relational needs is really useful when you're exploring the questions
"What exactly is it that makes me feel loved?" and "What do I want from my
partner in our relationship?"
Most
people feel drawn to some of the relational needs more than others. This
might be explainable when assuming that those are the needs, which are
still left over for them from childhood. Or in other words, people may
still be looking for what they didn't get enough of as kids. Have a look
through the list of relational needs and see what you would like to get in
your relationship. Feel free to do this really instinctively, you don't
need to be able to rationally justify why you want a particular thing. In
fact, all those needs are ok for us to have as adults.
If you
know what you want from your partner, think about how you could ask for
those needs to be met in some way. Remember that your partner can't mind
read. If you don't tell him or her they won't know. It is also really ok
that you ask for what you want. As adults you can then negotiate with your
partner about how to meet these needs. Some needs will be easily met, some
will be impossible to be met by another person, because you need to give
yourself something of it too (For example protection: The other person
won't be able to look after you emotionally all the time, you need to be
able to do that for yourself to some degree). Some of these needs will be
impossible to meet full stop (because they relate to the past, which can't
be changed any more, like I long for my mother to come back and make
things ok for me - however, I am an adult now and can never go back to
being a child again).
Once
you know what you want, have a think what your partner may want. Better
even, let him or her read through the list and they can point out the ones
they are drawn to themselves. It was certainly very interesting for me to
find out that my partner picked out very different ones from me. It really
helped me to understand where he was coming from and to appreciate his
vulnerabilities and needs. Talk with your partner about this stuff,
because once you get the mix right between the two of you it will increase
the feel good factor in your relationship dramatically.
Apart
from that, remember that your partner isn't the only person who can meet
your needs. Number one to be taken into account must be yourself! Give
yourself credit for who you are and what you do well. Really notice when
other people initiate contact with you or give you compliments and let
those sink in so that it really feels like it is warming your heart. Often
people feel deprived, not because they live in a environment where love is
scarce, but because they are very good at not letting things in that
people give them.
And
then there are all the other people round you: Friends, family,
colleagues, acquaintances or even the odd stranger with whom you might
share a smile. Let all the good relationships round you matter to you! You
can take the good things people give you fully on board (and you can
ignore or not let the bad things hurt so much too).
If you
struggle with any of this have a read of the following psychology pages:
Strokes, discounting,
script and life positions.
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