The
psychology of relationships: strokes
The
stroke economy
The
stroke economy is a concept which was created by Claude Steiner, a
transactional analyst psychotherapist, in the 1960s. To understand this
section, you will need to have read the section on strokes. The stroke economy is a concept which helps to clarify why we
end up with so little warmth in our interactions and what we can do to
change this. Imagine this is the sixties. There are a lot of ideas
floating about regarding power and economy, feminism, sexuality and lots
of other socio-political ideas: the concept of stroke economy fits very
well into this era.
Let's
start off with a stroke. A stroke is a unit of recognition. If it's a
positive stroke you could see it as a little parcel of love given by one
person and received by another. We all need strokes and a lot of us go to
great lengths to earn them (like working too much, or being overly-nice to
people, more than you really want to be). However, strokes are free, they
are easy to give, so why aren't we all giving and receiving strokes all
the time, which would make us all feel a lot better?
Claude
Steiner said it's because of the stroke economy, which he suggested works
just like an economy based on money. Once you make money scarce, people
will work very hard to earn some so they can get their basic needs met.
Indeed, one can control people by making money scarce. It's the same with
strokes, at least according to Steiner. He suggested that we are all
indoctrinated by our parents with five very restrictive rules about
stroking. This means that strokes end up being in short supply, which
means that as children we would work harder to earn each one of them.
Although this is quite a simplified way of looking at it, it's also a good
metaphor for why we end up being so reticent about giving and receiving
strokes when we don't really need to be so tight about it: in reality,
there is always a limitless amount we could give.
Here
are the five stroking rules, which we tend to learn, which means we limit
the feel good factor in our relationships drastically:
1
Don't give strokes when you have to give them to give
Wouldn't it be great to give all the strokes we want to give to people!
However, we often tend to hold back and not say the nice things we think
about people. Then the moment passes and we never say it. What a shame!
2
Don't ask for strokes when you need them
For a
lot of people it's a really radical concept that it would be ok for them
to ask for what they want instead of having to wait passively until
somebody happens to give them the right thing. It's ok to ask for the
right words and that doesn't mean the person who is giving the compliment
doesn't mean them!
3
Don't accept strokes if you want them
A lot
of people really struggle to take in strokes. They feel exposed or
embarrassed and deflect the nice comments about themselves. Again, what a
waste! A stroke is a gift meant for you, so take it, feel it, and
remember it so that when times are less good you can take it out again and
warm yourself with it!
4
Don't reject strokes when you don't want them
Ever
thought about not taking on destructive comments from others and just
ignoring them? You really don't have to take them to heart, you can
remember some good things people said to you instead.
5
Don't give yourself strokes
Also a
very radical concept! Why not be nice to yourself, say nice things to
yourself and believe them? And "stroking yourself" can also be a literal
thing. Biologically, any sort of grooming behavior raises our endorphins
and we feel better. And, as this is a website about sex you might as well
take it that way too!
So,
let's have a revolution! We can turn the old stroking rules upside down
and arrive at ones that are much better for us:
1
Give strokes that you want to give
2
Ask for the strokes you want or need
3
Accept the strokes you get
4
Don't accept the strokes you don't want
5
Stroke yourself (a lot)
The new
rules should help you increase your sense of warmth and your feeling of
being loved and belonging. Remember to give only strokes to people which
you really mean. Fake ones hurt. (But you could give someone you don't
like a stroke on how much you like their new shoes, for example.) Also,
once you start to take in the strokes people give you and you are giving
out more strokes, you are really encouraging other people to be more open
and forthcoming too. You may have to practice for a while until giving and
receiving strokes becomes natural, but it's great when you get there! And
the people round you will appreciate it.
If you
want to find out more about strokes, have a look at
applying stokes in your relationship, or complete the
stroke profile exercises. One way of stroking yourself is the use of
affirmations. You could also read up under
discounts how people manage not to accept strokes.
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