psychology of relationships: relational needs
Relational needs and you
concept of relational needs is really useful when you're exploring the questions
"What exactly is it that makes me feel loved?" and "What do I want from my
partner in our relationship?"
feel drawn to some of the relational needs more than others.
This might be
explainable when assuming that those are the needs, which are still left
over for them from childhood.
Or in other
words, people may still be looking for what they didn't get enough of as
Have a look
through the list of relational needs and see what you would like to get in
Feel free to
do this really instinctively, you don't need to be able to rationally
justify why you want a particular thing. In fact, all those needs are ok
for us to have as adults.
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If you know
what you want from your partner, think about how you could ask for those
needs to be met in some way. Remember that your partner can't mind read.
If you don't
tell him or her they won't know. It is also really ok that you ask for
what you want. As adults you can then negotiate with your partner about
how to meet these needs.
will be easily met, some will be impossible to be met by another person,
because you need to give yourself something of it too.
example, take protection: The other person won't be able to look after you
emotionally all the time, you need to be able to do that for yourself to
Some of these
needs will be impossible to meet. That's because they relate to the
past, which can't be changed any more.
you may long for your mother to
come back and make things ok for you. However, you are an adult now and can never
go back to being a child again.
Once you know
what you want, think what your partner may want. Better still, let him or
her read through the list and they can point out the ones they are drawn
It may be very
interesting to find out what your partner picks out - perhaps very
different ones from you.
Sexual issues are often a
bone of contention.
We tend to find that women
would like slower and longer sex, with more emotional involvement by their
This is often not helped
when the man is likely to ejaculate prematurely. Advice on
controlling premature ejaculation can be found by looking at
Ejaculation by Command by Lloyd
Lester. It's a super program for the control of male sexuality.
Men would like more sex,
and for their women to be more excited. What of course missing in this
equation is adequate concern by men for women's emotional needs, and
adequate attention from women for men's sexual needs.
helped me to understand where he was coming from and to appreciate his
vulnerabilities and needs.
with your partner about this stuff, because once you get the mix right
between the two of you it will increase the feel good factor in your
that, remember that your partner isn't the only person who can meet your
needs. Number one to be taken into account must be yourself!
credit for who you are and what you do well. Really notice when other
people initiate contact with you or give you compliments and let those
sink in so that it really feels like it is warming your heart.
feel deprived, not because they live in a environment where love is
scarce, but because they are very good at not letting things in that
people give them.
And then there
are all the other people round you: Friends, family, colleagues,
acquaintances or even the odd stranger with whom you might share a smile.
Let all the
good relationships round you matter to you! You can take the good things
people give you fully on board (and you can ignore or not let the bad
things hurt so much too).
struggle with any of this have a read of the following psychology pages:
script and life positions.